The Paragould Annual Press
The Sports Page
April 29, 2022
Mack Ramsey
This “sportswriter” is at a loss for words. Mostly because he is at a loss for air. What a game, the annual renewal of the Faculty vs Seniors basketball game. It was a nip and tuck affair, a real barnburner. I’m telling you it was March Madness in April out there! In the end, the fearless leader of the high school, Mr. Eric the Red Hagood, led on the court like he has led all year, with nearly 100% accuracy, always calm, cool, and collected. The final score was approximately 45 to 39 in favor of the Faculty!
Warm-ups were very exciting. Most teachers hit more shots before the game than during the game. Great music was being played to pump up the crowd, and much of it had something of a prophetic meaning. The Seniors dedicated “Living on a Prayer” to the Faculty while the teachers dedicated “Another One Bites the Dust” to the Seniors. The Seniors ran out to “Kung Fu Fighting” — what in the world? The teachers conserved their energy and walked straight to the bench.
The play was exactly what you might expect from teachers reliving their glory days and seniors strutting their ability to actually run and jump. We used to be able to do that, and we still could run and jump if we wanted to. We just didn’t want to.
Just who were those old men and young women playing for the faculty?
First, there was Mrs./Coach Amy Air Austin, prepping to return to her old stomping grounds, patrolling the sidelines, barking out orders and coaching up the kids. Not sure this bunch was all that coachable, but Mrs./Coach Amy showed she still has the skills that got her a college scholarship. Wait, didn’t she play golf at college? She must have been a two-sport letterman. Today she drove the lanes like she does the fairways and scored in double figures! The 10 points for Mrs./Coach Amy led the leaderboard.
Next, there was Mrs./Former Coach Foshee. She successfully matched her buddy Mrs./Coach Amy point for point. One wondered how the lane was always so wide open for her. And then finally it became clear. None other than Mr. Officer Christopher Foshee was standing under the goal, saying nothing, but he did seem to pat that sweet sidearm every time Randal got the ball in the lane… and things magically cleared! 10 points for Mrs./Former Coach Randal with an assist from the Officer (and Gentleman) Christopher… and his sweet sidearm.
We were fortunate enough to have our lunch lady, Mrs. Cassie Phillips, who ate the seniors’ lunch all day. Her scoring stats matched the coaches listed below. MVP honors went to Mrs. Kelly who was Money, bringing a cup of cold water to the thirsty teachers at halftime. She shall have her reward!
Mrs. Bridgette the Masterpiece Chunn was an artist of ball handling on the court. She was in fact on fire on the court. While that fire did not translate into points, she scored the same as the coaches, see above and below. Or did she score like her Senior/Daughter Molly Chunn, who did score in soccer? And that’s better than scoring in basketball.
And then there was our hero Mr. Eric the Red Hagood. Eric was truly The Answer. He was literally unstoppable. I have it on good authority that he ate at Don Jose before the game. Everyone take note of what works. Eric drilled four, count ‘em, 4 3-pointers for a game-high 12 points. Despite Kern’s trash talk, not one kid could slow him down, on the court or in the hall. The Answer was heard to speak wistfully of his college days, “If only they had NIL back in the 90s. I coulda been a contendah.” He also said something about practice, what’s this about practice?
Also for the faculty was none other than Coach Royce the Mailman McMillon. He really delivered on the boards and the knock downs… and the points? He did get 1, right? Surely he scored… but don’t call him Shirley.
Speaking of coaches and point, there was also Coach Tye the Silver Fox Clothier. Don’t be fooled by the grays, his plays were a real silver lining for the faculty and he did his best to keep up with the Mailman by delivering at least the same number of point.
And there was Mr./Coach Joey, aka Dr. J Becerra. The guy can pass the ball while sitting on the floor! He logged almost as much time on the floor as the old man of the game. He also matched the other coaches in point scoring.
Mr. President Air 2 Austin came in firing on all cylinders. While he may need a tune-up, he did manage to match the coaches on the scoreboard. His shots got a lot of air.
Mr. Tim Penny Howard, even playing on an injured knee, a sore back, sore neck and, well, we do not have room to list all of the sore parts of his body, played just like he did in high school. And that was pretty good, right? I think he matched point for point the above-named coaches.
And then there was the old man, formerly known as the PrinciPal, none other than Magic Mack Ramsey. President Stewart knocked him down and we weren’t sure if he could get up. Pretty sure that Hey Jude committed an impeachable offense. The Magic Mack’s defense was also an impeachable offense, as he rested on the other end most of the time. Nevertheless, somehow the old man of the game managed to score a sweet 4 points. That was the margin of victory, so is it possible we couldn’t have won without him? We could have tied without him, the politically correct ending to any athletic contest. Wait, we won by 6. Magic used to be able to do math also. Thus in one game he matched the scoring total of the Mailman, the Silver Fox, Dr. J, Penny and Air 2! As the former PrinciPal limped off the court he was overheard to say he was considering entering the transfer portal — transferring straight to St. Bernard’s Village, The Chateau, or Green Acres — just waiting for his best offer.
If you add the point totals for the Mailman McMillon, the Silver Fox, Dr. J, Air 2 Austin, Penny Howard and Magic Mack you still would not match the individual scoring of the former coaches Amy and Randal. Let it be noted that the high point man was the man Eric The Answer Hagood. Let’s hope he doesn’t take his talents to South Beach. The current Principal told the old PrinciPal after the game, “The answer is ibuprofen.”
Our thanks to the mighty mighty Senior Class of 2022. They staged a furious comeback in the 4th Quarter. And they might have won had they had but 1 more minute. The teachers were exhausted and had nothing left. The Seniors were led by Khaki Carson Potter who cast a spell on all of us while scoring like a coach! There was Conner Ice Cream Cone who came ready to play basketball in his baseball cap. Patrick Henry Holder came out and proclaimed “give me victory or give me the lead role in the play.” He took the lead role. Gavin Juneau, Alaska proved the Alaska Purchase was no folly. Coca Koda Yates was the real thing on the floor. Burkley BB Blankenship was not shooting blanks, he was a scoring machine. Hey Jude faces impeachment charges after the game. At least he was only impeached once. Unlike President Stewart, President Reagan did not knock down the oldest player on the court, was not impeached and did score. King James Kern proved that Alabama fans should stick to football. Molly the Artist’s Daughter Chunn schooled her Mom in the art of handling a basketball. MaKenzie Mitchell was playing string music and never missed a shot. Marmaduke Maris the Sly Fox proved she was one of The Chosen for basketball. She still got game. Brent Almond Brothers was a joy on the court. The seniors were coached up by Liz Alexander the Great, Natalie Pick a Peck of Pickled Peppers and Aaron Ace Gazaway. Without stepping on the court they scored as much as the coaches.
So there’s our cast of characters for the Flying Falcon Faculty and the Super Seniors. They did not disappoint the crowd and all proved to be the best sports in sports. They all walked off the court on their own power. 911 was not called. Our thanks to the mighty mighty Senior Class of 2022, for not only showing good sportsmanship on the court but for showing great character and leadership in the schoolhouse all year.
Now let’s rest up. The next game is only 11 months and 25 days away.
(Disclaimer: The authenticity of the above “facts” has not been verified.)
